Am I Dating or Married To A Narcissist?

You may feel sad, terrified, angry, numb and confused. Things in your relationship have gone too far. You don’t know what happened… things were so good at the beginning. You might be reading this to try to determine if you are (or were) dating or married to a narcissist.

As a professional who specializes in working with abuse survivors as well as someone who has survived narcissistic abuse… I’ve learned quite a bit about how to spot a narcissist.

Below I will identify 10 signs and patterns to look out for when trying to determine if someone is a true narcissist.

1. They describe their past as troubled and depict themselves as an innocent victim throughout their life. When you learned about their past you probably felt sorry for them or had a lot of empathy for them.

2. In the beginning of the relationship, they learn a lot of details about you and then through praise and action make you feel more special than you’ve ever felt in any relationship prior.

3. They start to describe other peoples motives as manipulative and not to be trusted.

4. They start to paint a picture of your friends and family that makes you want to distance yourself from them. You start to question the trust you’ve built with them over the years and the narcissist may even use details if shared with them against those people.

5. You begin to get accusations that you are untrustworthy or doing something behind the narcissist back. You may start to overcompensate for the narcissists trust issues. After all, you know about their troubled past.

6. People in your life who love you may start to give warnings about this person but since the narcissist has already painted them to be a certain type of way you were prepared for their reactions. You don’t believe them. They don’t know the narcissist like you do.

7. You start to isolate and just spend all your time with a narcissist. Somehow they have gotten you depending on them whether emotionally, financially, spiritually or sexually.

8. The emotional and verbal abuse starts. At the beginning of the relationship, you never received the type of special compliments you received from the narcissist. But now, things have changed. They are using the insecurities they know about you against you. They’re using the details you’ve told them against you.

9. You feel like you can’t do better. You feel not good enough, not smart enough, not attractive enough and you feel like you need them.

10. You’ve now entered hell on earth. The narcissist now feeds you small pieces of attention occasionally that keep you hoping that it will go back to the way that it was the beginning. Most of the time though you’re isolated with only them to rely on. The narcissist now has depicted you to other people as crazy just in case you ever come out about their true nature. They have turn people against you. You may now suspect that you are with a narcissist.

If at least half of these patterns and signs has happened to you, I am so sorry. Narcissistic abuse is one of the most confusing and painful things that could ever happen to someone.

The main thing I want to express in this article is that it was not your fault for ending up with a narcissist. There’s no way you could’ve known that this person was a narcissist even if you recognize one or two red flags at the beginning of the relationship. There was no way for you to know that it could’ve gotten as far as it did. Don’t blame yourself.

If you’ve been through narcissistic abuse, I’d encourage you to reach out for help. Reach back out to friends and family in your life that you used to trust. Reach out to a mental health specialist. Start to prioritize your needs.

If you have any more questions about narcissistic abuse or trauma therapy please reach out via the Metta Holistic Therapy contact page or email me directly at reneeminxtherapy@gmail.com – if you’re in crisis or an emergency please call 911.

Experiencing rape in college

Experiencing rape or sexual assault can be one of the most painful, secretive, and shameful events that can ever happen to anyone.

College is supposed to be a time where we are differentiating from our parents, figuring out who we are and who we want to be. It can be an incredibly scary time of the unknown but it could also lay the groundwork for allowing us to trust ourselves given the right circumstances.

If you have been raped or experienced a sexual assault in college or maybe even before, your sense of safety and trust is broken.

As a sexual assault or rape survivor, you may feel lost and alone. Below I’ve listed the top three things to begin to think about as you’re navigating this trauma.

1. COPING. Don’t do it alone. There is a saying that our secrets keep us sick. Shame is an emotion that thrives in darkness and silence. But you can’t get through this alone and dear one: it was not your fault. Please reach out to people that you trust and lean on them. You’re going to need some healthy attachment right now with other human beings.

2. LEGAL ACTION. You may be thinking or other people may be asking you if you were going to be pressing charges. This is absolutely and completely your decision. Other people might have their opinions on it but you need to make a decision that feels OK to you. There is no right or wrong. This is the time to start listening to your body and allow yourself to make this decision. If you want advice, ask someone that you trust or seek legal advice from someone that has worked with this before.

3. THERAPY. Therapy may be some thing that you are rushing to do or some thing that you want to avoid. Research shows, though, the sooner someone seeks therapy after a trauma, the less side effects it will have in the long run. Start looking up trauma therapist near you. My suggestion is to have a free consultation with a few and choose the one that makes you feel the safest.

There is nothing anyone will be able to say to completely soothe your body right after the event. But I want you to know that over time, healthy attachment and self- compassion, will make things easier to manage. Things will get better, dear one. I want you to know that there’s hope.

If you have any more questions about rape or sexual assault please reach out via the Metta Holistic Therapy contact page or email me directly at reneeminxtherapy@gmail.com – if you’re in crisis or an emergency please call 911.

Therapy for PTSD

Having complex post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD affects our every day lives. We want to feel better within ourselves and within our relationships. Therapy is a really good place to start.

So we know that we have PTSD, and we know that we need therapy, but now what?

When looking for a trauma therapist, it’s important to ask about their specialties, techniques and tools. Below I’ve compiled the top three therapy techniques that will help resolve PTSD symptoms in every day life.

1. IFS (Internal family systems) – This is one of my personal favorites both personally and professionally and it’s a rather new trauma technique. IFS views us as complex and multifaceted beings and therefore our healing happens while working with different parts of ourselves. This is why IFS work is also called parts work. For example, there might be a younger part that comes up whenever we are having an argument with her romantic partner that is afraid of abandonment. In IFS we take the time to build a relationship with his part and begin to heal it.

2. EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) – Emdr is one of the oldest therapy techniques used to treat PTSD and trauma. The basis of this therapy is to re-process memories in the past that developed or beliefs about ourselves and others. By targeting then reprocessing Past memories we are able to resolve not only the trauma in our bodies but also how those traumas have affected our relationships with others.

3. Mindfulness – Mindfulness is such a good tool to heal PTSD and trauma because disassociation tends to be really strong and trauma survivors. Mindfulness reverses this pattern and begins to increase awareness of our minds and emotions while helping us remain non-judgmental. Self compassion is one of the most important parts of mindfulness and one of the most important parts of healing in general.

All of the therapy techniques above to help resolve trauma symptoms have one thing in common… they are all holistic. This means that they take the mind, emotions and body into account when thinking about the healing process. And because we are not fragmented people, our healing needs to encompass our whole being.

If you have any more questions about PTSD and CPTSD please reach out via the Metta Holistic Therapy get in touch page or email me directly at reneeminxtherapy@gmail.com

How Abortion Policies Affect Trauma Survivors

My therapeutic specialty is working with women and men who are trauma survivors… survivors of war, survivors of abuse, survivors of childhood trauma. I am also a woman who is a survivor of childhood trauma myself. Throughout my work and my life experiences I have seen how trauma can be triggered by events happening in not only our internal system and immediate environment but also from our society at large.

The war on women in the United States right now is especially triggering for women who have experienced trauma. One of the most disturbing parts of trauma is that our choice has been taken away from us. There is a loss of control that comes with trauma.

Policies, procedures, societal expectations and opinions can be extremely triggering for those of us who have experienced trauma. Specifically those of us who identify as women, have our trauma triggered on a daily basis. The trauma is triggered by what we see in the news + policies that are being enacted on our body without our permission. This is where the loss of control can be re-traumatizing.

I have worked in trauma-informed inpatient, outpatient, intensive outpatient treatment settings. What makes these settings trauma-informed is by prioritizing the client having a sense of agency and choice in their treatment.

When a woman with trauma lives in a society that takes away the right to choose what to do with her body, it makes the society unsafe for her. It is a reconfirmation that people can’t be trusted, that she is not protected, and that she cannot keep herself safe.

What is happening right now with Roe versus Wade possibly being overturned and creating ripple effects of abortion being illegal has so many harmful consequences. The consequence that I’m focusing on in this article is how the patriarchal society of the United States and internalized sexism is creating a generation of women who will feel powerless and unsafe.

A generation of women feeling powerless and unsafe will have long-term consequences with each new mother that gives birth, in generational trauma, with the rise of addiction and mental health issues, and in general levels of connection, creativity and happiness.

I urge you to act. I urge you to speak up. I urge you to be an ally for women. I urge you to march. I urge you to donate. I urge you to do what’s right for ourselves and for our future children.

If you have any more questions about trauma please reach out via the Metta Holistic Therapy contact page or email me directly at reneeminxtherapy@gmail.com

Thanks so much for reading until the end! You are worthy of wisdom, healing, and being LOVED.

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What is toxic positivity?

A lot of the clients that I work with are interested in manifesting and the law of attraction. The law of attraction states that whatever energy we put out is what we will get back. Believing in manifesting and the law of attraction are both, in themselves, not harmful at all. They can be helpful if we utilize them in the right way.

Unfortunately, in this day and age toxic positivity or “good vibes only” has started to get confused with optimism and looking for gratitude. There is a major difference between trying to look for the good in your life versus completely avoiding anything negative.

Below I’ve listed three signs of toxic positivity:

1. The person has no space for their own negative emotions. Someone with toxic positivity is so afraid of getting stuck in negativity or pessimism that they locked themselves in a “prison of happiness.” I called this a prison because as humans it is natural for us to feel all of our emotions. If we do not allow ourselves to feel certain emotions or we numb them, we are having to walk on eggshells in our own body. All emotions are signals to us and can be used for good even if they don’t feel good. For example anger is a signal to our body to act. It gives us energy when we may need it. The emotion itself is not bad but it’s the behavior we do when we feel the emotion that can have consequences. Numbing emotions can have extremely harmful consequences.

2. The person doesn’t allow themselves to have negative thoughts or speak about them. It is natural to have judgmental or stressful thoughts. Judgment is actually meant in it’s biological form to help keep us safe. If we saw a man with a red coat and a knife, and a man with a red coat with a knife has hurt us in the past, we would have a snap judgment to fear this man. And that judgment, in itself, would not be a bad thing. Also, it can lead to people who are in toxic or abusive relationships staying because they are in denial. Part of boundaries is recognizing when things aren’t right but if we are so afraid of identifying something that might be negative we may stay in a situation that isn’t right for us.

3. The person can’t tolerate anyone else’s negative thoughts, emotions and experiences. An example can be a friend or family member coming to the person with a problem or needing to vent- and the person views them as negative or burdensome. If someone has toxic positivity, they will not make time or space for other peoples problems in their life. This is harmful because we admire people based on their accomplishments but we actually connect with other human beings based on our struggles. If someone with toxic positivity cannot relate to other peoples struggles or be empathic out of fear of being negative, it starts really harm relationships and make other people feel alone.

If you have any more questions about toxic positivity please reach out via the Metta Holistic Therapy contact page or email me directly at reneeminxtherapy@gmail.com

Thanks so much for reading until the end and hope you enjoyed it!

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Can I do EMDR on Telehealth virtual therapy?

Telehealth therapy has been on the rise ever since COVID showed us that we can do therapy and stay connected virtually. There are some types of therapy that have both clinicians and clients wondering if they can be done successfully and ethically via Telehealth. EMDR is one of these.

EMDR, or eye movement decensitization and repossing, has been one of the leading therapies for trauma over the last few decades – and for good reason! EMDR has shown research proven results and has helped millions change their lives for the better.

Below I will give the top three reasons why EMDR can be done virtually while also adding some follow-up questions to keep in mind.

1. You can still connect with another human being via telehealth therapy. This is really important to keep in mind with doing EMDR virtually because knowing and trusting that you have another presence there to help you hold compassionate space and move through the trauma is important. And for some people, it may make them feel more safe because there is the physical barrier of not being in person while also having the safety of having another person on the end of the line. That may feel less intimidating to some.

2. You can still do bilateral stimulation virtually. For those of you who are new to EMDR, bilateral stimulation is a tool used in the reprocessing phase of EMDR that is a way to activate both left and right sides of the brain. This is achieved through either sound, eye movements, or tapping. This can be done virtually by having the client listen to auditory sounds, watch bilateral stimulation on their mobile device or computer, or do physical tapping on themselves.

3. Every part of EMDR (apart from bilateral stimulation, spoken about in #2) can easily be done virtually. There’s the resourcing phase which is basically making sure that the persons nervous system is ready to do the work. There is information gathering stage which needs to be done in any therapy setting and can easily be done via Telehealth. There needs to be a good amount of information given on how the process looks, gathering past traumatic memories that the person wants to re-process, the reprocessing phase, etc. All of the stages can easily be done virtually.

Some questions to keep in mind are…

Do you trust your therapist? Are you ready to do deep trauma work? What support do you have set up in your life? How are you going to handle getting triggered? Do you have the finances or resources to be able to stick with an EMDR and your therapist for as long as it takes to get through? What would a successful outcome look like for you?

These are important questions to ask yourself whether you were doing EMDR in person or virtually.

If you have any more questions about virtual EMDR please reach out via the Metta Holistic Therapy contact page or email me directly at reneeminxtherapy@gmail.com

Thanks so much for reading until the end and hope you enjoyed it!🌞



Do I have PTSD?

You probably have heard the term PTSD and if you are on this page you are wondering if you qualify for the diagnosis.

There is a lot of information going around about PTSD in recent years so let me help parse out the four main components of PTSD below.

1. AVOIDANCE: Avoidance is one of the main components of PTSD so that’s why I list it first. Avoidance comes out in so many different ways when someone has PTSD. An example would be if someone has experience sexual assault in their lifetime, they may avoid movies that include anything having to do with sexual assault. This also would include avoiding talking, thinking, or feeling anything related to a traumatic event or a series of traumatic events.

2. RE-EXPERIENCING: Re-experiencing means that you will be reminded of the traumatic event or events when you don’t want to be reminded. For example someone with trauma might be driving down the road, listening to their favorite song and all of a sudden they think about something that’s related to their trauma. The intrusive memory could be a snippet of the traumatic memory itself, a feeling, the person that caused the trauma, a certain smell, etc. Intrusive memories also often come up that only during waking hours but also during sleeping hours in the form of dreams, nightmares, and night terrors.

3. COGNITIVE: Cognitive symptoms include changes in core beliefs about ourselves as well as people in the world around us. Common cognitive beliefs include that nobody can be trusted, the world isn’t safe, people want to take advantage of us, we are unlovable, and we are not enough. These are just some examples of some core beliefs that can arise from trauma but the list is endless. The main thing to pay attention to with changes in core beliefs is that the core beliefs are negative, over generalized and affect our lives in a negative way.

4. HYPER-AROUSAL: Arousal symptoms address the feelings, sensations and somatic experiences that stick around in our body after the traumatic event has passed. This includes The feeling of impending doom that’s present in our body, constant anxiety and scanning the room for danger, and overall levels of stress in our body. Arousal includes the symptoms that manifest in our fight, flight, freeze and fawn trauma responses.

If you relate to the main four components of PTSD above then that is a sign that you need to talk to a licensed psychologist, psychiatrist or therapist near you about having symptoms of PTSD.

Having an accurate diagnosis is really important and getting the right treatment and therefore the best results for whatever you were struggling with. This blog is not meant to diagnose but to give information to allow you to seek the proper resources.

If you have any more questions about PTSD or complex PTSD please reach out via the Metta Holistic Therapy contact page or email me directly at reneeminxtherapy@gmail.com

Thanks so much for reading until the end and hope you enjoyed it!

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Do I need therapy?

Unlike past times, going to seek mental health therapy has now become mainstream as well as respected and seen as a healthy trait in a potential partner instead of a red flag.

Whether or not to seek therapy is something that all of us have considered at some point in our lives. Therapy is not for people who can’t handle issues on their own, it’s actually for people who want to continue to grow and heal to reach their full potential of health, happiness, and fulfillment within their relationships.

I’ve made a list of the top five reasons why therapy might be helpful for you. There are an endless number of reasons why therapy may be helpful but this is a good list to get you started.

Here are the top five reasons to seek therapy today:

1. You are having overreactions to present-day situations. Overreacting in any given situation is a clear sign that there are unhealed past memories that are continuing to affect you today. This means that in order to heal and react in a way that feels more helpful to people at work, romantic relationships, to family, actively working on healing the past is necessary. Time heals all wounds is a myth. Active therapeutic work heals past wounds.

2. You are under-reacting which means you are shutting down in situations in the present. Just like overreacting can be a red flag that past memories are still affecting you, so is shutting down in moments that you need to be present for. If you have ever been in an emotional conflict with someone and instead of being able to express your needs or hear their needs you shut them out or emotionally shut down – this is a sign that therapy could be helpful.

3. You feel like there are issues with your attachment style which means you are either avoidant or anxious in relationships. Relationships can be the most fulfilling part of our lives. It is most commonly reported when someone is sitting on their deathbed that they look back and wish they had to spend more quality time and been better to the people in their lives. This is where healing your attachment style comes in and therapy can be one of the most effective ways to move more towards secure attachment.

4. You feel like you are always stuck in your head and overthinking and very rarely are in touch with your body. This is the sign that your nervous system has been overwhelmed at some point in your life and you need nervous system healing. There is a theory that past emotional stressors or traumas get stuck in our body and causes us to disassociate and not be connected to the emotional signals sent to us by her body. If this is the case for you I would recommend seeking a somatic or bottom up healing therapist

5. The way that you talk to yourself or feel about yourself is especially critical, harsh and judgmental. The way that we feel and talk about ourselves has an incredible impact on how we feel day to day. If we are relentless in picking apart every mistake that we make, it is going to be miserable to live in our own head. This is where seeing a therapist and changing the way that you treat yourself comes into play. There are a ton of techniques that can help you with this such as self compassion, cognitive behavioral therapy, somatic experiencing, and cognitive mindfulness therapy.

If any of these five reasons to seek therapy apply to you then I recommend looking into finding a therapist near you. I will have a blog coming up soon about tips in choosing the right therapist for you so keep an eye out for that. I hope you have enjoyed and gotten some thing out of this blog and if so like, share, and follow!

If you have any more questions about psychotherapy please reach out via the Metta Holistic Therapy contact page or email me directly at reneeminxtherapy@gmail.com

Thanks so much for reading until the end and hope you enjoyed it!

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How to Stop Overthinking

If you’re reading this… welcome to the club! Overthinking is extremely common when it comes to anxiety, daily stressors and/or trauma symptoms.

We all the know the feeling… overthinking about something we said or didn’t say, overthinking about a romantic parter, staying up at night replaying the past, future, all of our to do lists, desires, regrets.

Below I’ve compiled the top five ways to stop overthinking:

1. Get out of your head and into your body. When we are overthinking, all of our energy is in our head. When this happens we often lose touch with our body. We lose touch with our emotions, our sensations, and a general sense of embodiment. A great way to stop over thinking is to get out of your mind and focus your concentration on the emotions and sensations in your body.

2. Move a muscle change a thought. This means that when we are running, exercising, playing, or doing intentional body movements like yoga – we have to focus on what our body is doing. This is a really great way to stop overthinking. This can even mean something as simple as going for a really short walk.

3. Change your environment. This is a great technique because when we are in a certain environment we get used to the external stimuli and then we relax into our internal stimuli- meaning our thoughts. When we change the external stimuli, or our environment, it also helps to change our internal environment. This can be as simple as moving from one room in your house to another.

4. Focus on your breath. This is a mindfulness activity and probably one of the most central ways to not get lost in thought. In all meditation and mindful traditions one of the most common and historical is to focus on our breath. When all else falls away, we are left with our breath. It is safe, consistent, and life-giving.

5. Question your thoughts. Our thoughts are not often reality. Our perception of the present moment is clouded by our past experiences and the negative core beliefs we hold about ourselves. A really important practice is to begin to not focus on whether a thought it’s true or not but to focus on whether a thought is helpful or not.

If you begin to practice these five coping skills to stop overthinking you were really start to notice a difference in your quality of life.

If you have any more questions about overthinking please feel free to reach out via the Metta Holistic Therapy contact page or email me directly at reneeminxtherapy@gmail.com

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What is EMDR?

Many of us have heard about EMDR in passing or from loved ones who rave about how effective of a therapy modality it is but it leaves us wondering… what the heck is EMDR?

EMDR stands for eye movement desensitization and reprocessing which is a long way of saying it uses bilateral stimulation (stimulating both sides of the body and therefore brain) to reprocess past trauma or distressing memories.

The past affects the present in the ways we feel about ourselves, others and the world around us. The past also colors the ways we find ourselves either over or under reacting in situations and relationships in our lives in the present.

Below I will give you the top three themes to help you better understand EMDR.

  1. It is an evidence-based therapy. This means it is a therapy technique developed by a PHD which has been proven by research to produce positive results in PTSD, anxiety and depressive patients. EMDR has been extensively researched and science has proven that even after clients stop EMDR treatment that their symptoms continue to improve.
  2. It’s a form of exposure therapy. This means that in order to heal trauma we need to have one foot in the past and one foot in the present. In order to fully heal and release trauma, we need to trigger parts of the unhealed trauma such as the emotions, sensations, thoughts and memories. Essentially, we expose ourselves internally to the memories, thoughts and emotions in order to truly process and heal them.
  3. The past affects the present. The belief in EMDR is that if you have any experiences in the present where you find yourself overreacting or under-reacting to a situation that it is because there are unhealed memories in your past. The reason why memories in the past are unhealed and therefore affect our present is because they were too overwhelming for our nervous system at the time to process them. That’s why in EMDR we go back to the past to process in order to help your present become more peaceful and happy.

EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) is one of the leading therapies for complex PTSD, PTSD, childhood trauma, overcoming experiences of rape, or sexual assault, and relationship disruptions in the past. EMDR can be used to process any memory in the past that we did not have the emotional capacity to process at the time. The more memories from the past that we were able to properly heal, the less power that our past will have on our present and the more control we will have over our life.

If you have any more questions about EMDR, ptsd or trauma therapy please reach out via the Metta Holistic Therapy contact page or email me directly at reneeminxtherapy@gmail.com – if you’re in crisis or an emergency please call 911.